Sasuke's Job Search
by bluegirl19
Summary: Sasuke finally manages to escape from Orochimaru, and he finds the 'ultimate weapon' in a Konaha shop he MUST have. Now, he must find a job so he can pay for it. WARNING: MUCH RANDOM COMEDY
1. Freedom from Orochimaru

**Hey people! New story! WOOT! YEAH! Anyway, this story was supposed to be chapter four of 60 Stupid, Silly Stories, but I had too many ideas for this to put in one chapter. As you can tell, this is just a story bursting to the brink with random comedy. I hope you like it!**

**There is another thing I need to add. This chapter is kind of like a prologue. I actually wrote a good part of Sasuke's first job. I was going to put it in this chapter, but it was really long, and I knew that it was going to be even longer, so I just decided to make it a separate chapter. That, and I was getting impatient and I just wanted to get this story out. On with the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Trix cereal, Poke the Bunny, or any thing else mentioned in this story. If I did, then, well, I don't know. Something good would happen. Hopefully it would involve pie. Also, thanks to my friend Kurisutiina who came up with the idea behind the chapter. Onward with the story!**

**Sasuke's Job Search**

**Chapter 1: Freedom from Orochimaru**

Sasuke started wandering down the Konaha streets. He looked at all of the stores for 'Help Wanted' signs. He really needed a job. Why did he need a job? How the heck did he come back to Konaha? Well, I don't feel like telling you right now.

Nope, not yet.

Not now either……..

I think I'll tell you soon…….

Now is not soon…..

Ok, now feels like a good time for a nice story. It all started about a month ago. Or maybe it was two. Or maybe it was yesterday. Why do you really care? Anyway, moving on……

It was a normal day at Orochimaru's evil layer. Around ten, Sasuke walked into the kitchen. It was an average kitchen, with a table and such. One of Orochimaru's slave people had made breakfast; bacon, eggs, toast, and Trix cereal (it was Orochimaru's favorite). They had set the table for three. As always, Sasuke was last to arrive. Kabuto was already at the table, eating his breakfast, drinking some coffee, and reading the newspaper. Orochimaru was there as well. He was eyeing his toast strangely. This was not uncommon for him, though, so Kabuto and Sasuke didn't really seem to care.

"Morning" said Sasuke, unenthusiastically.

"Hey" said Kabuto, not even looking up from the paper. Orochimaru just continued eyeing his toast. Sasuke sat down, and began to eat. He looked at his toast, then at the butter and butter knife sitting on the table just out of arms reach, then at Orochimaru, then back at the toast, back at the butter, and back at Orochimaru. He sighed.

"Could you pass the butter?" asked Sasuke, still in a monotonous voice. Orochimaru looked at his toast some more, then at the butter, then at Sasuke, then at his toast, then the butter, Sasuke, toast, butter, Sasuke, toast, and then his gaze settled on the butter, but more specifically the butter knife. Rule one of the evil layer: never leave anything around that is or resembles a weapon. Orochimaru picked up the butter knife and studied it for a few seconds.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Orochimaru began stabbing his toast very violently with the butter knife.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Orochimaru began laughing manically.

MWAHAHAH!

BAM! BAM!

MWAHAHAH!

BAM!

MWAHAH!

BAM!

MWAHAH!

Then, Kimimaru came in and killed them all. The End.

Not really.

Sasuke slapped Orochimaru in the face with a rubber chicken. Orochimaru stopped his idiotic actions, put down the butter knife, and rubbed his face with both hands.

"Sorry, just a case of early morning insanity." said Orochimaru calmly. He began to eat his toast like a civilized person. Luckily enough, he had already cut it, so no farther contact with the knife was needed. Then, Orochimaru took a sip of his chocolate milk, finished his eggs and bacon, and reached for the Trix cereal box. He started reading the back.

"Damn rabbit. Why can't he just leave those kids alone? He should be arrested, or killed………" Orochimaru trailed off. Then, a random swirling vortex of doom appeared out of nowhere, right behind Sasuke. It began to suck him in.

"NOOOOOOOO! SASUKE, DON'T LEAVE ME! I STILL NEED YOU! I MEAN, YOU STILL NEED ME!" Orochimaru screamed. He dramatically reached out his hand. Sasuke just looked at it, as he was slowly being sucked away.

"I'm not touching you! You're a loser." His last word dramatically echoed, as Sasuke was completely sucked in, and the vortex closed.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Orochimaru.

"Oh please." said Kabuto. "He was just going to die anyway if he stayed here."

"Yeah, but I wanted to kill him." said Orochimaru, with a tear in his eye. Kabuto left the table. Things like this happened all the time. He felt like conducting some evil, deranged experiment. So that's what he did. Orochimaru cried in the kitchen. When he was finished, he drank some more chocolate milk, and then went to his evil lab. He decided to search for the tracking device in Sasuke. His computer was rather slow. So, he played a game of Solitaire. Then, he took a nap. Then, he played 'Poke the Bunny'. That was his favorite game. Orochimaru hated bunnies; especially that stupid rabbit that kept trying to steal the kids' Trix. Deep down, he really feared bunnies. He was afraid that the evil rabbit would sneak into his house one night, kill him in his sleep, and steal his Trix. That was what prompted him to create a defense system. Just in case the bunny survived his henchmen, literal fire wall, spike pit, room of poisonous items, five minutes of staring at a picture of Hinata without makeup, and death, then he had an ultimate defense system. If somebody were to enter his room in the middle of the night, they would walk right into a string, which would cause an orange to fall on their heads (the Health Mart was all out of pineapples), and knock the bunny unconscious. So far, Orochimaru had not needed this ultimate defense, but he feared that one day he might.

Anyway, after an hour of waiting, Orochimaru's computer finally started working. It showed a picture of Sasuke, and a map. Orochimaru's worst fear (or second worst fear if you count the bunnies) had been realized. Sasuke was in Konaha. Dramatic music sounded, and lightning flashed outside.

**KONAHA:**

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Sasuke.

THUMP!

Sasuke landed on the ground, hard. The random swirling vortex of doom had left Sasuke above Konaha, about ten feet in the air. Once he recovered from his fall, he stood up and looked around.

"Where am I?" he said. He was surrounded by people, shops, shoppers, people going into shops, and shopping. He went up to the nearest shop and looked in the window. It was a shop with an assortment of gizmos and high-tech equipment. He walked in the store. He was surrounded by robots and computers and such.

"Are you looking for something?" said a man behind a desk.

"Nope, not really." said Sasuke. He wandered through the shop for a while. Everything seemed so high-tech, so new. Once he got to the back of the shop, he saw something that caught his eye. It was labeled:

**Super Technology for Instant Crushing**

**Also known as S.T.I.C., this amazing device can be used to destroy any opponent, with much ease. Just pull out your S.T.I.C. in combat, apply to your enemy's weak point (eyes will probably be best bet), and you will win the battle!**

**Ingredients: Wood**

**WARNING: Do not apply to self. Could result in pain.**

Sasuke continued staring in awe. It was amazing! It was slender and brown, elegant yet modern.

'_This would be the perfect tool to take down Itachi!' _he thought. He walked up to the man behind the desk.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Sasuke.

"Sure" said the man.

"How much is the S.T.I.C.?"

"You mean the stick?"

"No, it's the S.T.I.C."

"Uhhhh, sure; it's, ummmmm, a thousand dollars."

"A THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!" screamed Sasuke in total disbelief.

"YES!" screamed the man. "WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"

"BECAUSE THAT'S AN AMAZING PRICE! FOR SUCH A PIECE OF ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY, I WOULD IMAGINE THE PRICE TO BE MUCH, MUCH HIGHER!"

"OK, LET'S STOP SCREAMING!" the man let out a sigh. "Does this mean that you're gonna be the idiot, I mean genius, to finally by the stick?"

"Yep, that's me!"

"Ok, so give me the thousand dollars."

Sasuke reached into his pocket. He didn't know how much money he had. First, he pulled out a quarter. Then a penny. Then a dime. Then, he pulled out a nickel, a button, a cat toy, some moldy cheese, a pint of milk, some pie, an alarm clock, a lamp, a laptop computer, a small tracking device, a Hello Kitty 'action figure', a rocking chair, a 32 inch plasma screen television, an armadillo, a pineapple, a magic hat (then he pulled a bunny out of the hat), an American Girl book, a box of Trix cereal, a Kelly Clarkson CD, a piece of paper with Prince Zuko's email address, a picture of Itachi with a mustache and beard drawn on it in black marker, a black marker, one of those big, red, English-style telephone booths, a box of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Edible!', a kunai, a window, a DVD of The Pink Panther, a box of Waffle Crisps, a chocolate chip cookie, the first season of _Friends_ on DVD, an iSasuke, a squirrel, a pink frilly tutu, a winning lottery ticket, Rock Lee (who grabbed the squirrel and ran), a note from Neji telling him to pay a visit to Konaha's Mental Facility, a can of blue paint, a ticket to a Michael Jackson concert, another dime, a snake, a stick, the Eiffel Tower, a black hole, a chinchilla, Beast Boy, a pack of gum, some random wire, a paper shredder, a cup of chocolate pudding, a Barbie 'action figure', a Ken 'action figure', the lost city of Atlantis, an old man, a box of tissues, the world, a hot pink cell phone, a ticket for a free _Barbie Girl_ ring tone, another quarter, a badger, a dog bone, a giant leech, Tom Cruise, a black cauldron, Harry Potter, a peso, the Wonderful World of Disney, and a smores poptart. Sasuke counted the change.

"I have seventy-six cents. Is that enough?" asked Sasuke. The man just stared in shock. He had wondered where his pet armadillo had gone…….

"No" said the man. "I need a thousand dollars. You can't have the stick until you give me a thousand dollars."

"Where am I gonna find a thousand dollars?" asked Sasuke.

"Well, you can either sell some of that stuff, or get a job. How do you have enough room in your pockets….."

"Get a job! What a great idea! Thanks!" Sasuke said. He quickly shoved everything back into his pocket and ran out of the shop. So, now we're back to where we started. Sasuke was wandering down the Konaha streets, looking for a job. What kind of strange jobs await him? Who knows? Well, actually, I know, but that's beside the point. Just what will Sasuke's first job be? What kind of strange people, characters, animals, plants, or even single-celled organisms will he meet? Find out next chapter: Chapter 2: Job 1: Wal-Mart Worker.


	2. Job 1: WalMart Worker

**Hey! Here's chapter 2! I can't believe how popular this story is (well, for me, anyway)! I made sure to update quickly for all the nice people who reviewed. Thank you and a merry reading to all!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Naruto. When are you people going to understand that?**

**Chapter 2: Job 1: Wal-Mart Worker**

_Previously on SJS:_

_Sasuke was eating breakfast, just like any other morning, at Orochimaru's evil lair. Suddenly, a mysterious random swirling vortex of doom appeared out of nowhere, and took him back to Konaha. There, in an average tech shop, his eyes beheld the magnificent S.T.I.C. He searched his pockets for the money to buy the wonderful combat weapon, but couldn't find enough to buy it. So, when we last left him he was wandering down the Konaha streets, looking for a job._

There were many 'Help Wanted' signs, but they were all at weird places; the beauty salon, a store called _Pink 'n Frilly_, _Clair's_, _Limited Too_, _Kitty Heaven_, and _Libby Lu's_. There was one at _American Eagle_, but they were looking for female models. Sasuke sighed. He just needed a 'Help Wanted' sign at one normal place, just one. Finally, he found just what he was looking for. Well, he kinda did. There was a vacancy at Wal-Mart. He quickly, yet very coolly, entered the store. What he found disturbed him. Big Bird was standing inside, wearing a blue Wal-Mart vest with a sticker of a yellow smiley face on it and a name tag that read 'Big Bird'.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" said Big Bird.

"Oh God. I'm just gonna go….." said Sasuke.

"No, really, I'm here to help. What can I do for you?" with these words, Big Bird took a step toward Sasuke, who, in turn, took a step back.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BIG YELLOW CHICKEN!" screamed Sasuke. He began to make a dash for the door.

"I'M NOT A CHICKEN! I'M GOING TO HELP YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" Then, Big Bird did something unexpected; he leaped towards Sasuke, knocking him down.

"LET ME GO YOU OVERGROWN, FEATHERED NARUTO!" Sasuke yelled as he struggled underneath the surprisingly heavy bird.

"BIG BIRD ANGRY!"

"LOSER! GET THE HECK OFF OF ME!"

"ME…. HELP…. YOU….NOT…. NARUTO…."

"CAN'T…. BREATHE….TIME TO GET SERIOUS!" Sasuke then kicked Big Bird off of him. Big Bird miraculously flew over the dangerous weapons, sharp objects, tank of sharks, cage of rabid bunnies, flaming stuff section, angry cats, and shards of glass, and landed on something soft.

"Ooooooooo; how nice and soft." said Big Bird.

"Not quite" said Sasuke. Apparently, Big Bird had landed right on top of Sasuke's massive hair. As messed up emotionally as Sasuke was, he had the common sense to bathe everyday. Right before he had left the city, he had 'borrowed' some of Neji's shampoo, which in turn made his hair more silky and soft then most of the other boys, and even some of the girls.

"Oh dear" said Big Bird. Sasuke tossed Big Bird back into the section of angry cats. Now, because of their aggressive behavior, the cats were kept in a ditch, so all that can be seen were the yellow feathers that were flying everywhere.

"Now that that's over with, it's time to find someone who can help me." said Sasuke. He wandered around the store for five hours, thirty-four minutes, seventeen seconds, and twenty-two milliseconds before he found the help desk. There was an old lady with a Wal-Mart vest on behind the desk.

"Hello young'un. How can I help you?" she said.

"Um, I'm here about the job vacancy." said Sasuke.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that position has been filled by a feller named 'Big Bird'." said the lady.

"Well, I think he quit." said Sasuke uncertainly.

"Wait, do you mean to tell me that there hasn't anybody greeting the customers?" asked the lady, an edge in her voice.

"Nope" said Sasuke plainly. The lady began to twitch.

"SOMEBODY MUST GREET THE CUSTOMERS!" she screamed. Then, she looked directly at Sasuke. "YOU! GREET….PEOPLE….NOW!"

"Don't I need training or a vest or something?" asked Sasuke.

"NO TRAINING! NO TIME FOR YOUR OWN VEST! JUST TAKE MINE!" the lady said, ripping off her vest and shoving it in Sasuke's arms. She then, rather unexpectedly, picked Sasuke up, and tossed him toward the front door. He too flew over a slew of dangerous things and landed miraculously on the spot where Big Bird had been standing when he first entered; about ten feet from the automatic doors. He stood up, dusted himself off, and put on the vest. Just as he finished, a lady who seemed to be in her twenties entered. Sasuke thought quickly about the job he was supposed to be doing.

"Hello. Can I help you?" he asked politely.

"Oh, no thank you, Betty Sue." she said kindly as she walked on past him.

'_That was weird. Why did she call me Betty Sue?' _thought Sasuke, not even considering the obvious answer. After that, exactly 7.3 random, unimportant people walked in and called him 'Betty Sue'. Then, Naruto confidently strode in.

"Hey, loser." said Sasuke.

"HEY, BELIEVE IT!" yelled Naruto. Sasuke sighed. Apparently Naruto hadn't changed much.

"Can I help you?" asked Sasuke, smirking.

"You know what, Betty Sue, you really remind me of a friend of mine, believe it. Well, he's not exactly my friend, believe it. In fact, he's a fat-headed emo loser that I hate, believe it."

At these words, Sasuke was unsure of what he should do. He considered his options for a moment. Then, he calmly, yet harshly, punched Naruto in the stomach. In slow motion, Naruto flew backwards. Instead of flying over a series of dangerous thinks and landing on something soft, he did the opposite. He flew over the fluffy pillows, indoor garden, sweet puppies with soft fur, quilts, stuffed animals, and various other soft things, and landed right in the section for shards of glass. At his girly shrieks of pain, Sasuke smiled. Maybe he could get used to this job. Then, a man who seemed to be in his forties walked up to Sasuke. This man was wearing a Wal-Mart vest as well.

"Hello, sir. Are you our new greeter?" he asked.

"Yep" replied Sasuke.

"Do you know what happened to the last greeter?" asked the man in an official tone.

"No, but rumor has it he quit." said Sasuke with a smirk.

"I see. Do you understand your rights and responsibly as a Wal-Mart greeter?"

"Not a clue."

"Honesty; I like that. You seem suited for the job. All you have to do is listen to a short speech that I must give you."

'_Ok, a short speech. That shouldn't be too bad." _thought Sasuke. Boy, was he wrong. The speech exactly for five hours, thirty-four minutes, seventeen seconds, and twenty-three milliseconds. Hey, isn't that as long as the time when Sasuke was looking for the help desk? Yes? No? Only you can figure it out. Submit your answer in a review and you could win a fabulous prize! If you submit the correct answer, you will win a sneak peak at the next chapter! Enter today!

Ehem. Where were we? Oh, right. So, Sasuke listened to the long speech. At the end, he was just standing there, his left eye twitching. Even though he had listened to the extremely long speech, none of it had processed in his mind. So, it was more like he just stood there like an idiot while some random official guy was rambling on and on and on.

"So, do you understand everything you must do?" said the man.

"No" said Sasuke plainly.

"Ah! More honesty! You get the job!" said the man, going into the nice guy pose.

"What?" said Sasuke, dumbfounded.

"Don't you get it? You're honest, which I believe is a very important quality, and you listened to my entire rant without falling asleep."

"Whatever."

"Ok, so all you really have to do is stand here, and when somebody comes in, you say 'Hello, I'm insert name here. How may I help you?' If the person doesn't need help, you just smile and say 'Have a nice shopping trip here at Wal-Mart!' If they do need help, just point them in the direction of the help desk."

"That's it?"

"Yep"

"And how much are you going to pay me?"

"All in good time, my friend."

"Since when were we friends? I actually hate you." said Sasuke bluntly. A tear fell from the man's eye.

"I THOUGHT I MENT MORE THEN THAT TO YOU! I WISH I HAD NEVER MET YOU!" the man screamed, storming away, crying.

"What a freak." Sasuke mumbled to himself. He stood there and stared blankly at the door. Now, if you have been keeping track of the time, you would know that it was already dark outside. Around midnight, a man entered the store. Sasuke watched him as he approached. In the dim lighting of the store Sasuke could see the man's large hat and odd black cloak with weird red designs, but he couldn't make out his face.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart. Can I help you?" asked Sasuke. Now, the man stepped into the light near Sasuke and looked up. Sasuke say his tired looking face and red eyes, and quickly realized that this man was no other then Itachi Uchiha.

Sasuke stared blankly. He had no idea what to do. He had been waiting for this moment his whole life, but………… now just wasn't right. He didn't posses the S.T.I.C. yet, and if he ever wished to do so he would need to keep his job.

"Itachi" said Sasuke, the name sounding bitter and cold, "Why are you in Konoha?"

"There is a villain convention." said Itachi plainly.

"How long will you be in town for?"

"About a month"

'_Hmmmm……' _thought Sasuke, _'A month should be enough time for me to get prepared.'_

"Fine. In exactly one month, I want you to meet me so we can have a fight to the death!" said Sasuke.

'_Death. Sounds good.'_ thought Itachi.

"And where do you want to meet foolish little brother?"

Sasuke considered the question. He needed somewhere big, with lots of witnesses who could watch his awesome battle skills.

"The Wal-Mart parking lot" responded Sasuke.

"I'll see you then, foolish little brother." said Itachi. The two brothers just stood there for a few minutes.

"Err, I just need to get a few things……" said Itachi.

"Of course, go right ahead." said Sasuke. Itachi went off into the vast space that is Wal-Mart. Sasuke smirked. He had his chance; now he just needed to get ready. If he kept his job at Wal-Mart, then he should be fine. He could live in a tent in the camping section, eat food from the food isles, and still make enough money to buy the S.T.I.C. As long as he didn't get fired, he should be fine.

"HEY! YOU!" roared the boss. He approached Sasuke, looking very angry. "Did you throw our last greeter into a ditch of angry cats?"

"Yes"

"AH! MORE HONESTY! Good, I was just checking. You can keep your job. In fact, I have your pay check right here!"

The man handed Sasuke a check. He looked at it for a few minutes, then it suddenly burst into flames.

"I quit." said Sasuke. He took off the Wal-Mart vest and exited the store.

"Hm, I thought thirteen cents was good for one of my favorite employees on his first day. Oh well. I'll just have to find a replacement……."

**Yeah! Sasuke's first job is done! What will the next job be? I really have no idea. You'll just have to check for updates! Bye!**


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